Tony's Excuse
by Dunnowhatthatsabout
Summary: A series of Tony's excuses from missing a date, to not turning in paperwork. sorta-kinda fluff. First-Fic. Please R/R! Next Chapter is up! :D Feel free to send in more prompts! Now rated T for slight language (Only used in one chapter)
1. The Letter

**A/N: This is just a quick one shot that I thought of in the middle of the night. First Fic. Please read and review! If I get good feedback I might write a story about the excuse. :) **

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**Tony's Excuse**

Fury stood in his room, his eye closed. The hum of the helicarrier was a peaceful one through the layers of metal. It calmed him. The sweet hum was the sound of order, of smooth-sailing. Smooth-sailing was always good, especially for a spy. Things got too bad too fast in this line of work.

A knock sounded at the door. The hard knock overpowered the hum, shattering the peace scattering the remains to god(s) know where. Fury growled, stomping over to the door. There's no rest for a spy, even a semi-retired-to-the-life-as-a-director one. Fury opened to door, his face now in an all out scowl. He expected someone important with important news. Not a trembling agent with a thin folder in hand.

He was obviously a new recruit, someone who was yet a veteran to the director's…well… fury. He stood at attention in the middle of the doorway. Sweat trickled down the side of his face, knees trembled, threatening to collapse beneath the man. His eyes were wide, his hand addressed Fury with a shake-y salute.

"What is it?" Nick spit out toward the fresh meat, putting his very soul into the act of fury.

"I-I- I mean- W-We re-received this from Iron Man-" The man took forever to sputter out the message, fumbling around with the files in his hand, trembling as he handed them to Fury.

"What is this?" Fury grabbed the files away from the man.

"A-A letter or something, sir. W-We aren't entirely sure-" Fury didn't even let the man finish. He closed the door. A rude thing to do- he knew- but he was sick of listening to the man stutter out every other word.

Fury opened the file and began reading, ignoring the sudden thud coming from the other side of the door. The agent had collapsed. But to Fury, the inside of that file was more interesting than the outside of his room.

Inside was a couple pages of a letter, yes, a formal written letter, from the infamous Tony Stark. It was addressed to him.

"**Dear Director Nick Fury,**

** I write this letter to bring to your attention the fact that I will be submitting my paper work a full week late. I am quite sorry for this delay. But unfortunately, I have run into a difficulty with the paper work, that is, I assure you, to no fault of my own.**

** You see, due to the insistence of Pepper and Bruce combined I actually finished my paperwork the day you handed it over to me with that little frown on your face. I did a good job with it too. My handwriting was nice and neat, my grammar and spelling was all correct, and I didn't put in any smiley faces (just like you asked!). **

** I was so proud of my work in fact, that I went to go brag to the Capsicle about it. I went into the gym, expecting to encounter a big, sweaty, smelly Steve Rogers hurting some poor innocent punching bag. Unfortunately, that was not the sight that greeted me. Instead, what greeted me was an unconscious body of a big, sweaty, smelly Steve Rogers lying on the floor with a horde of flying carrots over him. Of course, I screamed and dropped my precious paperwork on the ground. The horde turned , took one look at me, and then disappeared in CA's body. **

** I was too terrified to move as CA suddenly rose from the ground and started toward me. His eyes were a bright orange and his hair was starting to turn a bit green. At first he moved slowly, but then started to pick up speed. **

** Now, at that time, I currently did not have my Iron Man suit on me, so I did the only sane thing to do. I picked up my paper work and ran for the hills. I had just gotten to the elevator when, well what do ya know, Thor stepped out of it hammer in hand! There was something kind of off about him though. Quickly I figured out that he, too, had been taken over by an alien carrot horde. How could I tell? Easy. I'm a genius. That and his eyes were bright orange too (Unfortunately his hair had stayed the same). **

** I turned around, ready to head in the other direction, when, hey! Cap was blocking my exit! He was starting to drool a bit too. **

** Anyway. There I was, stuck between zombie god or zombie patriot, both closing in on me. I did the most logical thing that popped into my head. I curled up into a ball, clutching the paperwork to my chest, and screamed. Then fainted. Not intentionally of course. The zombies must have had me under a spell or something. **

** So I woke up about, I dunno, two hours later, tied to a chair, with both of the zombies just standing there, staring at me. Thor was holding my paper work in his right hand. They were completely silent. I didn't dare say a word. Might die from that ya know. It was then that I realized that I was tied up in the middle of a carrot field. Nothing but carrots for miles around. **

** So we sat around from about ten minutes or so, when Cap finally spoke up. **

** "We got what we came for. Put the Avengers back in their chambers; remove all memories of our visit from their minds." He said. Normally too, something I totally didn't expect.**

** I then blacked out again. Don't know what happened. All I know is that I woke up with Pepper poking at my face telling me to wake up. I had been missing for 5 days! My paperwork was gone, obviously taken by the aliens. Don't bother asking Cap and Thor. Their minds were erased. I dunno how mine got away scot free. Must be the genius bit that protected me. **

** Anyway. It's gonna take me a week to get back to your paper work. Missed a lot of meetings blacked out. I learned one though- do your paperwork correctly, and aliens will take it. **

**-Tony"**

Fury sat on his bed. Unsure of what just happened. Was this really the best Tony could think of? An Alien Carrot Horde? Tony must have been more into drugs than Fury thought. He couldn't believe that Tony ACTUALLY thought that he would believe this crap. He tossed the letter on his bed. The more he thought about it, the more furious he got.

That's what started his raving rampage up to the control room; stepping over the still unconscious body of the new agent, pushing aside everyone huddled around him, and screaming at everyone he crossed paths with.

Oh. Tony was going to get it for this one.


	2. The Meeting

**Tony's Excuse: The Meeting**

Pepper stood outside the meeting room, phone held up to her ear. She nervously glanced into the room, hoping that these businessmen would hold out long enough for Tony to get here.

Finally, after three calls and two texts, Tony picked up.

"Tony! Where ARE you? You know how important this meeting is for the futur.." she was quickly cut off by a very _very _happy Stark.

"Sorry, Pepper. You're gonna have to cancel the meeting. I'm doing something important."

"What could _possibly _be MORE important than this meeting?" She asked. She should have known better than to expect him to actually show up. She should have instinctively put it off for three hours without telling Tony. Why didn't she ever learn her lesson?

There was silence on the other end.

"I'm playing mini golf with Batman." Tony said in a completely serious tone. Almost _too _serious for Pepper's liking.

"You're _what?" _She exclaimed, not believing that Tony actually said what she thought he said.

"I'm playing mini golf with Batman." Tony repeated himself, still as deadpanned as before. There was a cough, then another voice went on the line. "Hi. I'm Batman." Tony went back on. "See? I'm with Batman!"

Pepper stood where she was, her jaw dropped. She suddenly forgot about the meeting. "So Batman just _happens_ to sound just like you do when you have to cough?" She backfired.

"Umm, yeah. Pretty much. Wanna join us? We're at is great facility. It's right next too..."

"Tony. Seriously. Next time just say you forgot." Pepper snapped the phone shut and mentally prepared herself for the wrath of the businessmen.

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Tony looked down at his phone and shrugged, shoving his phone into his pocket.

"Hey Batty!" He shouted out to The Dark Knight, who was already on his way to the next hole. "Wait up!"

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**A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. :) I'll have the next on posted tomorrow! Don't worry, the carrot horde will be back soon.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed, subscribed, and favorited(Yes, I know that's not a word)! **

**Audrey Lynne: The Carrot Horde will be coming back. I have great plans for that excuse. Great plans.**

**WhiteWolfPrincess95: You asked and I delivered. :) I hoped you liked it.**

**Laughy-Taffy the Grape: Who said it was imagined? **

**Dead Alchemist: There will be a series of follow-ups. Thanks for the idea! :D :D**

**NinjaRawrSG: Thanks for pointing it out. Tonight I'll go through and rewrite that bit. **

**Again: Thanks to everyone who reviewed, subscribed, and favorited!**

**Please R/R!**


	3. Fury's Gun

**Fury's Paperwork**

Tony looked over his bar as Fury stepped out of the elevator. _His _elevator. The one for _Tony. _Not Fury. Especially not Fury.

"Uh, you aren't allowed in that elevator," Tony said, pointing to it. "Nor are you allowed on this floor of the building. See, this is a personal floor. The conference floor in ten down." Fury glared at him and growled. The man actually _growled. _"You know what? This isn't even a conference TIME. So you aren't allowed there either." Tony took a swing a drink.

"Did you honestly think that I would fall for your sorry-butt excuse for not doing paperwork? Carrot horde? Really? That was the best genius could think up?" Fury stood there with his arms crossed. If looks could kill.

"How do you do that? How is it that you have a glare that could rival hypnotoad's with one less eye?" Tony took another sip. "Besides that was the truth. Is it really my fault that you don't believe it?"

"Carrot Horde?" Fury asked, still glaring. "You have a week to find me proof." Fury pulled out a gun. "But so help me Stark I'm getting that paperwork now."

Tony gulped. Eyeing the gun nervously. "Right. A week for proof. Paperwork now." Tony ripped his eyes away from the gun and back to Fury's face. "I'll go get my pen."

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A/N: I know this is a short chapter, so later tonight I'm going to go ahead and put up chapter 4 too. I've decided to plant a multiple pieces on the carrot horde throughout the story. This will be the first of many.

Thanks to all my readers for alerting/reviewing/favorite-ing!

A special thanks to Miss America of the USA, WhiteWolfPrincess95, Arrows the Wolf, actressen (P.S. There will be some references in the next chapter :D thanks for the input!), NinjaRawrSG, and Jesse Cardel for all of your reviews!

Thanks for R/R ing!


	4. The Fight

**The Fight**

Loki sat, glaring at everyone who passed him on the sidewalks of New York. He was late. He was almost always on time for these type of things. Loki played with his spear. Being on the streets dressed in his full armory seemed silly when no one else wore likewise clothing, or when he didn't have anyone to fight. He had, in the short two hours he had been standing there, received exactly $2.41 in change, had three people ask him where the party was, and threatened the sixteen people who attempted to take picture of him. This was all Stark's fault.

Loki had brought it upon himself to terrorize New York at least monthly. This would have been the tenth fight, the tenth month. He had something special planned for this month. _Hint: it involved chocolate rain and streets transformed into ice cream. _It was going to be delicious! How dare that Stark man miss it!

He had had enough of waiting. He stopped a man on the street.

"You! Mortal! Give me your communication device!" Loki straightened his back, attempting to make himself seem bigger as he towered over the man. "Now." He growled.

The man stopped short, took one look at Loki, then gave him the phone.

"Look man, I don't want any trouble." The man said, raising his hands in surrender and taking a few steps back.

"Then leave me mortal." Loki growled, glaring daggers in the man as he scurried away. Loki knew Tony's number. Stark had come to him many months ago, asking for help with a few pranks around the helicarrier. Being in constant communication was critical, so Loki had to memorize Stark's number.

The phone rang a few times before Tony picked up.

"Hello?" Tony answered, wary of the unknown number.

"STARK! Where are you?" Loki demanded.

"Sorry dear. I was picking up that milk you wanted." Tony responded with a smirk extremely apparent in his tone. Loki growled, a deep throated growl. It reminded Tony of Fury's growl when he demanded his paperwork. Tony involuntarily shivered at the memory. "Fine! I was fighting the Dark Lord and lost track of time!"

"The Dark Lord." Loki said questionably.

"Yeah. You know... The Dark Lord. Harry Potter's rival?" Tony said. "You know..." Tony sighed. "_Voldemort." _He whispered.

"Is that music I hear in the background?" Loki asked. He swore he heard someone singing in the background.

"Ummm...no." Tony said.

"Yes. Yes, that's music I hear. And..." Loki paused, trying to place the sound. "Screaming? Tony where are you?"

Tony sighed, defeated. "A Justin Bieber concert." He mumbled.

"A what?" Loki asked, not hearing him over the screams.

"A Justin Bieber concert." Tony said, louder this time. Before Loki could begin heckling, Tony started back up. "I was passing by and a vendor was practically GIVING away the tickets! I could resist!"

Loki chuckled. "Wait till Thor hears about this..."

"Loki-wait... Let's be reasonable about this..." Tony started to reason with the god. That is, until he hung up on him.

"Grrrreeeeaaattt..." Tony mumbled.

"JUSTIN!" He screamed when he realized that the teen had walked by his area of the stands. "OVER HERE!"

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A/N: Hope you enjoyed! Please R/R!

Thanks to everyone who alerted/favorited/reviewed! :D

Special thanks to L0llyp0p and Arrows the Wolf for reviewing!


	5. Clowns and Dresses

**Clowns and Dresses**

Pepper had been sitting at that table for an hour. She had realized in the first half hour that he was either not going to show, or be so late that she might as well order now. So she did. She even put it on his credit card. Thus, _technically, _Tony had bought her a delicious lobster dinner_. _What a gentleman.

Just as she was leaving the restaurant, her phone went off. It was Tony.

"What Tony." She snapped. Even though the meal had been delicious, she was still pretty pissed off.

"Pepper." Tony whispered, breathing heavily. "I need help."

"Yes Tony. I know you do. That's why I've been trying to get you over to that psychologist for months. Thank god you finally realize that you need it."

"No! Not _that _kinda help. I mean like advice help." Tony breathed into the phone.

"Keep going..."

"I don't know where I am. I'm not getting any 4G signal though."

"Describe it too me." Pepper said, a bit worried now.

"Well... it's in the desert, there's a straight road in front of me. And an abandoned gas station on the other side. All of the signs I've come across so far are in spanish...I think..." Tony paused when he heard Pepper sigh on the other end of the phone. She wasn't buying it. Crap. "Pepper please..." Tony whined. "There's a creepy clown sitting at the gas station and he's STARING at me!"

"Good night Tony..." Pepper said hanging up the phone.

Tony sighed and closed his cell phone, putting it in the cup holder of his car. He would have to do something special for her to make up for the fact that he missed their date. At least his excuse was half right. He was in the middle of the desert, the signs were in Spanish, and he did have a clown in the back seat. Though it was passed out, and just Clint in a wig and makeup.

Thor was out side throwing up next to a cactus. He wasn't used to driving in cars for long distances yet. Eventually Thor slipped back into the car, making sure that his skirt didn't catch in the door. He turned to Stark, his mascara and lipstick smeared.

"Where to next, friend Stark?"

Tony grinned. "You'll see."

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A/N: Thanks for reading! Please review! :)

As always thanks to everyone who reviewed/alerted! It means a lot to me :D

Hope you enjoyed!


	6. The Proof

**The Proof**

"Ms. Potts?" Fury asked, calling upon the attention of Stark's assistant/girlfriend. Poor girl. Whatever it was that Tony paid her, it wasn't enough.

"Is there something I can help you with, director?" She turned, giving him a smile. She had bags under her eyes, ones that not even the best makeup in the world could cover up.

"I'm looking for Stark. He has proof that's due today." Fury said. He hoped that she could help him. If she couldn't then Mr. Iron Man was better at hiding than he thought.

"Tony disappeared into his lab about 3 days ago. Haven't heard a peep out of him since. Won't let anyone in there. Not even Bruce." She remarked.

"Thank you, . I'm sure I'll find a way in." He smiled and turned, hoping that he actually could crack the codes into the lab.

"If you see him, tell him that the next date he misses, will be his last night alive." She said sourly. Fury shuttered at the thought of Ms. Potts' wrath.

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When Fury had made it to Tony's lab, he found that he was given access. Silently thanking Tony for not making him break in, Fury stepped into the lab. Tony sat at his workbench staring at a glass cage that held... no.

Carrots. Floating carrots. A whole HORDE of them, bumping against the glass, slamming into each other, all moving, somehow, in a group around the spacious cage. Fury stood there in shock. Stark did it. He had found the carrot horde.

"Told you they were real." Tony said. Fury grunted in response. Both of them stood there in silence for a moment. Fury turned toward Tony.

"Do you have a dead one?" He asked. If these things were real, and not some holograms or some other fancy butt contraption, Stark would have to prove it.

Tony sat up in surprise. He was silent for a bit, staring at the cage. "I haven't figured out how to kill them yet..." He mumbled. "I'll update you when I find a way though." Tony stood and poured himself a drink.

"Have you tired shooting them?" Fury asked, silently and discreetly pulling out his side arm.

"Shootin-" Tony looked up. Fury cocked his gun. "NO!" Tony dropped his glass, and ran to the director. Fury shot anyway. One shot broke the glass. The other hit one of the carrots dead on.

All of the carrots fell to the ground. The one that Fury had shot sat buzzing in the middle, wires poking out of the hole the bullet made.

"Real huh?" Fury asked, turning to glare holes into Stark. Stark sat there, crumpled on the ground.

"THEY WERE REAL. THE FOOTAGE GOT ERASED, NO ONE ELSE REMEMBERS IT! HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO COME UP WITH A HORDE OF CARROTS THAT TOOK MY PAPER WORK THEN FLED? THEY'RE ALL PROBABLY UP IN MARS OR SOMETHING, STUDYING MY PAPERWORK, FINDING THE PERFECT WAY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD. YOU KNOW BATMAN WARNED ME ABOUT THIS OVER PUT-PUT. HE WARNED ME WHAT WORKING WITH YOU WOULD DO. WHY DIDN'T I LISTEN TO BATMAN?" Tony wailed. The man was tired. Batman... right. Why was it always Batman that crazies ranted about?

Fury sighed and turned away from the near-sobbing man. He had better things to do then listen to a half-drunk, exhausted play boy.

...like blowing up crap with a huge butt gun...

Stuff like that is WAYY more important. Right?

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A/N: So... these carrots were a lie... but was the whole thing a lie? :/

Thanks to everyone who alerted/reviewed! :D I appreciate it!

(P.S. ALWAYS listen to Batman. ALWAYS)


	7. The Toms

**The Toms**

"TONY!" A deep-voiced scream came from across the floor. So it wasn't Pepper or Natasha screaming at him. He hadn't done anything to Clint or Thor lately, not after the pancake incident **(A/N: See chapter four).** Thus, whoever was yelling at him was Bruce or Steve.

Instead of going and finding out who, Tony continued to munch on his cereal and look thoughtfully at the wall. If this person was mad at him, then they should get up and look for them. Why should he waste any energy getting up just to get yelled at?

"TONY!" A semi-angry Bruce stomped into the door way.

"You should calm down Bruce. You're starting to look a bit green. You feeling okay?" Tony asked, still munching on his breakfast. Bruce took his advice. He straightened up, ran his fingers through his hair, and sighed. A long, stress-filled sigh.

"What did you do to my Toms?" Bruce asked, slowly and calmly.

"Whaddoyamean?" Tony said through a mouthful of cereal. Bruce answered by holding up a pair of shoes. The rather plain shoes that were originally black, now looked like Ke$ha had eaten too much glitter and pink paint and threw up on them. "Ohhh.. THAT'S what you meant." Tony said, swallowing the last bite of his cereal.

"So what did you do to them?" Bruce asked yet again.

"How do you know it was me?" Tony responded.

"It's always you."

Tony chuckled. "Not this time." He answered.

"Care to explain?" Bruce asked, eyebrows raised. Tony held up a finger and slurped down the rest of his milk.

"Yes. It was obviously sneezed on by unicorns. Everyone knows that that's what unicorn snot looks like," Tony explained. He pointed to the shoes. "Obviously, a unicorn or two where walking by, had to sneeze, and your shoes where the closest things around." Tony stood, putting his bowl in the sink. "Now if you excuse me, I have a meeting that I needed to be at half and hour ago." Tony pushed by Bruce, who looked like he was fighting a very large migraine. "Advil is in the bottom drawer to the right of the fridge big guy."

Bruce shook his head. Tony was going to pay for this.

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A/N: Thanks for reading! :D

OH AND I LOVE HISHE! :D So yeah.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed/ favorited!


	8. Loki and Torture

**Loki and Torture**

Loki stood, yet again, alone on the streets of New York. People, just like before, stared. That man would pay for his insolence. Luckily, Loki had several revenge plans available. Let's see... He could do plans #1-10 (He didn't have any whipped cream, feathers, dictionaries, or gum at his disposal. Besides, Tony would enjoy plans 3, 8 and 9.), plans #11-14 seemed a bit overdone (besides, did Stark really deserve to be locked in the sewage systems? Or be forced to fight Cuddles? No man deserved to fight Cuddles. Just the thought of it made Loki twitch). So Loki decided to go with plan #15. The other 2,761 plans would have to wait for another day.

When Tony finally landed on the street, he was abruptly blindfolded and kidnapped by a crazy demi-god. By the time Tony was graciously granted his vision again, everything was set up perfectly by the god.

Tony sat, tied to a chair in the middle of a concrete cell. Loki stood in full armor in front of him.

"What's your excuse this time, Stark?" Loki asked, seeping with venom. Loki started to pace around Stark, eyes glaring.

Tony sighed, shivering a bit. With his eyes screwed shut, he muttered in a low whisper,

"_Fangirls."_

Loki stopped pacing and gave Tony a look. "I thought you liked attention of the opposite sex." Loki paused and cocked his head to one side. "Or have I been misreading your sexual orientation this whole time?"

Tony opened his eyes, and popped his head to look at Loki in the face.

"WHAT?" Tony sat there, mouth agape.

"Well there can be no denial that there is a certain... Chemistry between you and . I always thought that it was just a close friendship..." Loki trailed off a bit. "But even magnificent gods like myself sometimes have trouble reading into such things."

Tony sat in silence giving Loki his best 'What the hell is wrong with you?' look. Then, with dead seriousness he said, "I'm straight, Loki. Trust me." He paused. "Though I did make that exception WAAYYY back in the summer of '88. I was in Miami, bar hopping late at night. The club was called Night Crawler. Window less. Moral less. The music was booming, heat radiating off of everyone. I was surrounded by young, eager women. Blondes. Brunettes. Red Heads. Rainbows. That was when this dashing young man walked up to my table and asked..." Tony trailed off at the look Loki was giving.

Loki had apparently been backing away from Stark during his off the cuff monologue.

He now had his palms pressed up against the wall, his eyes filled with disbelief.

"Anyway. These weren't MY Fangirls who attacked me. Those I like. See, these girls thought I was some actor named Robert Downey Jr. for some reason." Tony stopped and shuttered. "Everything that happened next I can't even put into words."

Loki's face of disbelief never left his face.

"Very well, Stark. You have chosen, yet again, not to tell me the truth. Thus, you must suffer the consequences." Loki turned and rolled around a small TV.

"What are you going to do?" Tony asked, starting to struggle in his bonds.

"Oh nothing. You're just going to have to sit through a 12 hour marathon of Yo Gabba Gabba. Then I will release you."

"NO!" Tony shrieked. "ANYTHING BUT THAT! PLEASE LOKI. I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT. CHOCOLATE. PUPPIES. A BEACH HOUSE. A FREAKEN UNICORN, IF YOU WANT THAT." Loki started the TV and turned to leave, sneering. "A GIRL FRIEND EVEN!" Was the last think Loki heard as he slammed the door behind him.

Yes. Plan #15 was a good one.

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A/N: Hey guys! Sorry this took so long to put up. I had camp all last week, thus, no internet. I had an entire 8 days of chapters written and into my Doc Manager, but the person who was SUPPOSED to put them up completely forgot. Thus, this chapter is very, very, very, late.

Thanks for all of the reviews/favorites/ alerts! :D

And to scintillatingshards yes I have seen the video. I think Ke$ha uses the glitter as like trademark or something...

to NinjaRawrSG... HEHEHEHEEEEE... i'll never tell.

Please R/R! :D


	9. The Briefing

**The Briefing**

Phil Coulson stood, waiting alone in the room. He paced around, every few seconds or so he stopped and checked the time on his watch. Fury said he couldn't leave till everyone had been briefed. _EVERYONE._

Bruce, Natasha and Clint were all on time. Steve came in ten minutes late, panting and stuttering out an excuse, not that Phil could have been mad at him in the first place. Thor soon followed. He came in and threw a mess of metal and wires on the desk, and continued to bellow out his trilling tale of suspense, where 'this devilish contraption' snuck up on him and started 'screaming in a terrible rage', and Thor had bravely defended himself from such a horrible beast. He then plopped down in his chair with a proud grin stretched on his face.

Steve, the poor guy, took Thor seriously, and clapped him on the back. Natasha rolled her eyes and sat back in her chair. Clint and Bruce, however, took it upon themselves to explain that the devilish contraption was a phone; only to have Thor argue with them. Phil just popped an Aspirin in his mouth.

Things soon died down and Coulson was able to finish the briefing.

That was an hour ago. Steve had stuck around out of chivalry, but, eventually, he had to leave too.

No one had even seen Stark in a week. Loki was the last one who saw him, and the only details he would give about it was a grin and a very creepy laugh.

Just as Coulson was about to call in Tony officially missing, he stumbled into the room. He wore his armor, his face was unshaved, and it didn't look- or smell- like he had bathed in a while.

"Where have you been?" Coulson exclaimed as Tony stumbled in.

"Yo- Gabba- Gabba. Unicorns. Arrows. Wolves. The." Tony mumbled, slightly incoherent.

"Say again, Mr. Stark?" Coulson asked. Tony turned to Coulson and looked him in the eye- only to scream, fall off his chair, and sit rocking in a corner.

"I'M GONNA EAT! YUMMY YUMMY!" Tony shrieked/sang as he rocked back and forth. His rocking grew faster. "In my tummy, party party, YYEAAAHH!" Tony mumbled.

Coulson bent down in front of Tony, now somewhat concerned.

"What did you say about wolves?" Coulson asked, whispering, hoping to calm the billionaire.

Tony looked up, eyes wide. He suddenly leaped forward and grabbed Coulson by the collar.

"Arrows the Wolf. Helped. Me. So. They got..." Tony trailed off and dropped Coulson. Then, face turned toward the sky he scream "A UUUUUNNNNNIIIIICCOOORRRRNNNN!"

He then got a really creepy look on his face, like a three year old grinning at an oversized lollipop. He jumped up and started skipping out of the room singing to him self. "Unicorns I love them. Unicorns I love them. Unicorns I love them..."

Coulson sat on the floor, mouth open. Quickly, he opened his phone and called Fury.

"Sir, I think we have a problem."

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A/N: Arrows the Wolf- you asked for it, thus, you received it.

WhiteWolfPrincess95- *evil grin* You shall see soon, child. *Evil Laugh* CUDDLES IS NOT A FORCE TO BE MESSED WITH!

OH! QUICK QUESTION! To those who review, How would you feel if I started up a story about Coulson and his meetings/chores/ etc.?

AND PLEASE DO NOT BE AFRAID TO PUT IN A REQUEST! or prompt. I love those things.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed/favorited/alerted!

Please R/R! :D


	10. The Backup

**The Backup**

"STARK!" Agent Hill screamed as she barreled down the hallway. A path was quickly cleared away for her by the other agents. She entered the lab with a crazed look on her face, her hair dangled in front of her face as she panted. Her uniform was torn and splotches of blood started to appear in certain areas.

She looked the very definition of cray-cray.

And it sent shivers down Tony's spine. And Bruce's, but she was screaming 'Banner' down the hallway, so he considered himself pretty safe.

"Stark." Hill growled, still heaving. She started running straight at him, then tackled the man to the ground, pinning him.

Stark gulped. "Yes Agent Hill?" He said delicately. He didn't know what he did, but if he was going to get out of it, he had to think fast.

"Where. The. Hell. Were. You?" She growled, fixing him with a glare that would make the devil run for the hills.

"Um..." Tony started. This would be a whole lot easier if he knew what he missed.

"You don't even know what I'm talking about do you?"

Tony gave her a look. It was probably best if he told the truth. "No." He said frankly with a nod of his head.

"One word: Hydra." She growled, tightening her grip on the billionaire. It all came speeding back to Tony. SHEILD was attacking a Hydra base today. They had asked him to stand by as back up... Crap. He forgot to leave his phone on incase they called in...

"Well, you see... I only got back just now. I've been very busy today."

"Doing what?" She somehow managed to tighten her grip even further.

"Well, I was on my way here this morning when a group of good looking young women were passing by, looking remarkably sexy in their Iron Man t-shirts. They stopped me and we started talking. While we were talking, one of them tweeted about it. So very soon, I was surrounded by fangirls. Unfortunately, I didn't have my suit on, so very soon I was swarmed. Next thing I know, I'm being dragged to the roof of an apartment building. On the roof they had a HUGE shrine dedicated to yours truly, and a throne that kinda looked like the one from Game of Thrones, only made out of Chitauri guns. Next thing I know, I'm tied up and placed in a corner of the roof while they talk about what they were going to do with me.

"At that rate I was getting pretty scared. Which is why I screamed when these gloved hands wrapped around my torso. Next thing I know, I freakin' floating in the sky with all of these crazy fangirls screaming up at me. I looked behind me, and there was there this guy dressed all in purple. His face was pointed up toward the sky and he had this gigantic purple balloon coming out of his mouth. I didn't talk to him, just in case he was the kind of idiot who talked back thus losing the only thing keeping us alive.

"Eventually, He set us down on a roof top about 10 miles from here. As he untied me, he said that his name was 'The Grapeinator' and that he was a scientist who invented this special Grape bubblegum that when was blew up, became instant transportation. So we talked for a bit, and I thanked him. He said that it was no problem and gave me three sticks of his special gum. Not wanting to waste them, I stuck them in my pocket I called Pepper to pick me up. She did, and we were making very good time, but then we hit traffic. Thus, I only just now got here, and there was no possible way I could have given you back up." Tony finally ended his rambling tale with a nod of his head.

Hill looked down with disgust. She let go of his arms, only to wrap them around his neck. She choked him just a tad.

"Next time you lie about something like this Tony, I will personally throw you off the side of the helicarrier, _do you understand?_" She asked viciously.

"Yes mam," Tony choked out.

Hill, satisfied with his answer, got off of him. Smoothing back her hair, she turned to Bruce, smiled at him, then walked off.

"You know," Tony started as he picked himself off the ground. "You could have intervened at any time..."

"And miss the chance to video tape the whole thing and put it on You Tube? Never."

* * *

A/N: Ok, I know I haven't posted in a while, and thats cuz everything I've been writing, I've thrown away cuz I think it's crap. LUCKILY NinjaRawrSG's prompt of something to do with grape bubblegum gave me this idea, and I tried to work in fangirls at WhiteWolfPrincess95's request.

Next week, I will be at camp again, so I have left someone in charge again, hopefully they will remember, If they do then on sunday, there will be a fic using CluelessItalian's prompt (Dog ate my homework), on Wednesday I will go with NinjaRawrSG's first prompt (Fury's eyepatch being stolen), then on friday something will happen with the Carrot Horde.

So thanks for all of your reviews/ favorites/ alerts! They really keep me going! :D

OH-

And to NinjaRawrSG- You're right. But the only other person I though that looked like him was Scarlett Johansson. So I went with the male version. ;) And thanks for getting back about the Coulson idea (You were the only one :/) I plan on starting it up when I get back, so keep an eye out!

To Arrows the Wolf - You're welcome. :D The unicorn worked in nicely with the story, so it's really no big deal. :D

Please R/R!


	11. The Dog

**The Dog**

It had been a long day of beating up bad guys for Nick Fury. All he wanted now was a nice long shower, a good book, and a nights rest. He entered is bunk when his phone started buzzing. He growled. It could go to voice mail. He would check it after his shower.

* * *

Fury stepped out of the shower, finally somewhat in the mood to deal with whatever problem someone was having. He flipped open his phone and played his voice mail.

"_Fury. Hey. It's Tony. Listen, I know ever since the whole carrot horde issue you don't trust me, yadda yadda yadda, but this time, I'm freakin serious. Alright. So Pepper about two weeks back got mad at me, so I got her this puppy, right? Well, she's been on a business trip and so I've been looking after it. Somehow, the dog got into my paper work (it must have fallen off my desk or something). Unfortunately... Don't tell Pepper this, but I forgot to feed it that day... So... Um... I know this is extremely cliche, butthedogatemyhomework pleasedontbemad THANKS. bye"_

Fury blinked and looked down at the phone. He felt a headache come up.

Tony had been flinging around the bull so much lately, and he seemed to not really learn rom his past mistakes. Fury flipped open his cell phone again. Maybe it would help if Tony took an arrow to the knee.

* * *

"So, whose my next patient?" asked one of the nurses as he made his nightly round at the ER.

"Tony Stark." A nurse said, flipping through a file. The doctor raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"And what's wrong with him?"

"It says... He took an arrow to the knee."

"Not this again."

They walked into the room together. It was certainly a sight. Tony was licking a gigantic lollipop (you know, the kind as big as your head) while Clint was handcuffed to a chair with a very angry Pepper Pots giving him the 'Why you shouldn't aim arrows at billionaire's knees when they are on a very expensive date with their girlfriends- especially if their girlfriend is Pepper Potts' lecture.

The doctor was modestly surprised. Usually Tony only came in with Clint when this happened.

Let's just say he filed night this under his 'dinner story' file in his head.

* * *

A/N: OK. So this is for CluelessItalian, hope you liked it! :)

Thanks to everyone who reviewed/favorited/alerted! :DDD

As I told you, I am at camp right now, so I have someone else posting chapters on Wednesday and Friday.

STILL... I would appreciate reviews and prompts to look at when I get back... *Wink* *Wink*

Please R/R! :D


	12. The Eyepatch

**The Eyepatch**

"STAAAAAAAAAAARRRRKKKKKK!"

Tony looked up from his spaghetti. Clint snickered next to him.

"STAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRKKKKK!" Fury screamed again. He rumbled up to the dinning room like a charging rhino. He entered the room, panting. "Where. Is. It?" He growled.

"Where's what?" Tony asked, suddenly admiring the complex curves of the noodles. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Clint stuff his fist in his mouth.

Fury dragged Tony out of his chair and pinned him to the wall (what was with these SHEILD agents and pinning people to get their attention?). Tony was forced to look Fury in the face. There, instead of his normal eye patch Fury wore...

A BRIGHT PINK SPARKLY ONE WITH PINKY PIE'S FACE WINKING ON THE FRONT!

Tony suppressed his laughter.

"I must say director, I dig the new look. Personally, I would have gone with Rainbow Dash..." Stark started.

"Don't." Fury growled. "Just tell me where the black one is."

"I can't."

Fury closed his eyes, was he the only on happy when Stark almost died? "What do you mean you can't?"

"The carrot horde leader took it from me." Tony said, absolutely serious. Clint burst out laughing across the room. Fury turned, dropping the playboy to the ground.

"You think that's _funny_ Agent Barton?" He growled. Clint attempted to sit up straight and say no sir, but then he saw Pinky Pie winking at him and fell over laughing again.

Let's just say Loki's 214th plan was put into action that night, only the whipped cream was replaced with syrup.

(Luckily, Tony was able to call up his friend Batman, who saved them from the terror of tigers, syrup and Miley Cyrus.)

(Well, Miley Cyrus was a terror for Tony, Clint kinda liked 'Party in the USA')

(Just don't tell Natasha that)

* * *

A/N: So this is for NinjaRawrSG, I hope you enjoyed! :D

Thanks to everyone who reviewed/favorited/alerted! :DDD

As I told you, I am at camp right now, so I have someone else posting chapters for today and Friday.

STILL... I would appreciate reviews and prompts to look at when I get back... *Wink* *Wink*

Please R/R! :D


	13. The Return of the Carrot Horde

**THE CARROT HORDE RETURNS**

"Sir, there's someone on the third line I think you'll want to see." An Agent said behind Fury.

"Very well, pull him up." Fury said. The Agent turned away and typed a bit on his computer. A screen pulled down in front of and an image appeared.

A image of a gigantic carrot with a black eyepatch on, surrounded by hordes of miniature carrots.

"Greetings, leader. It is I, Akkjdb,dang,jbvlajkbef, of the carrot tribe. I am here to invade your world. I have given you plenty of time to prepare, as customary to my people, by allowing your top scientist to remember what we look like and the powers of the horde. As you see, I have required a black 'eye patch' like yours. I was told that it is a symbol of bad assery, and I am wearing it so that you know that I'm here to get all up in yo business dawg." The Carrot said awkwardly. He acted as if he learned English from watching Jersey Shore. "Word." As the last thing he said before the screen went black.

"I TOLD YOU THEY WERE REAL!" Tony screamed behind Fury.

"Sir, there are multiple reports of giant flying carrot ships attacking Hong Kong." Hill said, looking up from a screen.

Fury sighed as he ignored Tony, who was dancing victoriously around him singing 'Im sexy and I know It' on the top of his lungs.

"Assemble the Avengers." Fury ordered. He paused and took another look at Tony, who was tackle hugging anyone in his patch. "And will someone get me an Asprin?"

* * *

A/N: THE RETURN OF THE CARROT HORDE!

If y'all want I'll upload a chapter for the actual fight, if not I'll just move on to a Thor chapter that is to be posted on Monday. :)

Thanks to everyone who reviewed/favorited/alerted! :DDD

As I told you, I am at camp right now, so I have someone else posting chapters today/ for the past week.

STILL... I would appreciate reviews and prompts to look at when I get back... *Wink* *Wink*

Please R/R! :D


	14. The Catch Phrase

**The Catch Phrase**

**ATTENTION: I believe this is my first chapter with the 'f' word in it, so... CAUTION! i ****guess..**

"Alright everyone. Suit up." Steve bellowed as he entered the lounge.

"What's happening?" Natasha asked, pausing her Mortal Combat vs. DC universe battle (where she was playing as Wonder Woman and beating everyone's butts).

Steve sighed at the question, massaging his temples.

"You wouldn't believe it if I told you." He grumbled.

"She will if I tell her," Stark quipped, leaning against the door.

"It's the carrot horde I told all of you about. We could have Ben preparing for this attack, but nooooo, instead you decided to play 'Let's be mad at the genius who can kick all of our asses with his bad ass iron man suit and ignore what he said happened because OBVIOUSLY he is ALWAYS wrong being the genius he is' game. Or LBMATGWCKAOOAWHBIMSAIWHSHBOH IAWBTGHI game. Or LBM for short."

Natasha stared at Stark.

"What the hell are you babbling about?"

Tony sighed and turned on the news, showing live coverage of the carrot horde attack.

"Tell me this is a joke," Natasha groaned, slumping over on the couch.

"Nooooopeeee." Tony hummed, practically skipping out of the room to put his suit on.

Thor, who had been stuffing his face with poptarts and coffee in the background, finally spoke up about the situation.

"What is this game the Man of Iron speaks of? It sounds most entertaining."

Steve shook he head and walked out of the room, leaving the Black Widow to explain the 'game' to the confused god.

...

They (the team) arrived at the scene an hour later in the jet, Tony and Thor flying beside it. Bruce (who had gotten so excited transformed into the hulk and was too excited to change back) hung from the bottom like a giant shaved bright green sloth.

The civilians had already been evacuated to safety, and the damage was pretty bad.

The horde had, 15 minutes before, become one HUGE horde instead of several smaller ones.

"Right," Steve began. "I want Hawkeye on top of the tallest building you can find. Hulk, you do what ever the hell you want, just like last time,"

"Cuz it's always a good idea just to let the Hulk run free." Clint muttered from the cockpit. Natasha slapped him upside the head.

"Iron Man and Thor, I want you flying above the horde," Steve continued. "While me and the Black Widow take below."

"And I." Tony said through the speaker.

"What? You fly above-"

"No. The correct English is 'The Black Widow and I' not-"

"SHUT UP TIN CAN." Hulk bellowed.

And with that positive sentence of encouragement, the fight began.

As you can imagine, it was pretty damn cool. Cap's shield was bouncing off loads of crap and killing carrots. Natasha's guns kept 'pew-pewing' and she did a bunch of gymnastic stuff. Iron Man was flying around blasting stuff to the beat of 'Another One Bites the Dust'. Thor was twirling his hammer around like it was a freaken baton, flying lightning making the battle look like a light was grinning and laughing like a maniac.

And Hawkeye... Well...

"CAW CAW MOTHERFUCKERS." He screamed as he shot arrow after arrow into the horde.

"What the hell did you just say?" Natasha asked.

"Caw Caw motherfuckers?" Clint replied.

"Why? What does that even mean?" Steve interjected.

"I don't know! I read it on Homestuck and thought it sounded cool!"

"What is this 'Homestuck' of which you speak?" Thor asked, electrocuting three more aliens.

"It's this awesome web comic that kicks balls! See, it's about these kids playing this game that destroys the world, and they have to create 'The Scratch' to restart the entire universe because their session was a dud..."

"BOORRRIINNGG." Tony interrupted.

"I don't see what all that had to do with 'Caw Caw motherfuckers'," Natasha added.

"Well you see Dave's sprite, like your guide or whatever was part bird and when it attacked this group of imps or whatever he screamed 'Caw Caw motherfucker'."

The channel went quiet for a bit.

"So what? You decided to make it your catch phrase or something?" Tony asked.

"Well yeah. I mean, you have the whole 'I am Iron Man' thing, Cap has 'Avengers Assemble' to scream, Hulk has 'Hulk Smash!", Thor has the whole 'God of Thunder' spiel... I felt kinda left out, so you know... CAW CAW MOTHERFUCKERS."

Everyone burst out laughing (except the hulk, he had ripped out his earpiece a long time ago) (and Nat, she was too busy being mad at Clint for forgetting about her in the list).

Clint just sat on the roof extremely unhappy that his new catch phrase didn't catch on. He was extremely disappointed about that, mainly because it had won the poll on his fanbase's tumblr account, but whatever.

Eventually, they drove back the carrot horde to the mothership. They quickly departed with the last words-

"Yo dawg, that just ain't right, yo!"

* * *

A/N: I know its been a VERY long time, so bear with me as I get back into the swing of things.

Not the best fight, I know, but I wrote it on the bus this morning.

As always, I would like to thank everyone for their reviews/following/ favoriting! It really means a lot to me!

I'm going to go back and look at the prompts you gave me so very long ago and work on those. Feel free to give me more.

I'm going to attempt two chapters a week, so expect another one on Thursday or Friday.

Please R&R!

BTW: 'Homestuck' is actually where that phrase came from, and I TOTALLY recommend the comic (just google it).


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